The joke’s on us… wits and wags have been having fun at our expense for at least a century. From the tongue-in-cheek showtune “Hammacher Schlemmer, I Love You“ to cartoons by The New Yorker, our outlandish inventory and tweedy bearing have been fertile soil for the seeds of mockery.
In the 1980s, 1990s, and 2000s, however, the volume of Hammacher-centric chuckles reached a crescendo. Joe vs. the Volcano, discussed in this space previously, was just the beginning. Here, in reverse chronological order, we rate four offhand gags from screen and page during the peak Hammacher Schlemmer comedy era. And we explain why they’re funny, which always makes jokes funnier.
Family Guy
“It’s a Trap”, Season 9, Episode 18 (2011)
The joke: An extended parody of The Return of the Jedi features the lead roles played by the show’s usual characters. Luke Skywalker, in the form of awkward, depressive teen Chris Griffin, responds to the death of his Jedi mentor Yoda by going on a spending spree with Yoda’s credit card. “Hi, Hammacher Schlemmer?” Chris/Luke says into the phone from Yoda’s shadowy lair. “I’d like the wall-size crossword puzzle.”
The verdict: Good callout of an actual Hammacher product from the era. In keeping with Family Guy‘s typical style, the bit feels more like a random fleck of wackiness than anything rooted in the characters or situation, but we’ll take it. C+
The Office
“Niagara”, Season 6, Episode 4 (2009)
The joke: Salesman, beet farmer, and unsentimental preparedness expert Dwight Schrute tells the camera: “I invented a device called ‘Burger on the Go’. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall’s still considering it. Hammacher Schlemmer is still considering it. Sears said no.”
The verdict: Dwight proposing his gruesome live-horsemeat contraption as a potential consumer product is suitably absurd. “Or 12 sliders” is the kind of super-specific detail that tells us all we need to know about how serious he is about his invention, and how oblivious to its horror. To top it all off, Dwight, descendent of German farmers, pronounces “Hammacher Schlemmer” with a German accent. A solid bit that’s more about him than us. B
Frasier
“Seat of Power”, Season 2, Episode 11 (1994)
The joke: Martin Crane dismisses the ability of his son Frasier to handle a plumbing problem, doubting Frasier even owns any tools. “Oh well, that’s where you’re wrong,” Crane fils replies. “Let me show you something, mister. Here... See this? Every possible tool for every possible need. Got this from Hammacher Schlemmer.”
As he brandishes a comically baroque multitool, his brother Niles takes notice of the fine craftsmanship: “Is that turquoise inlay?” Frasier confirms that it is, and it also comes in ebony and onyx. A brotherly argument ensues over the merits of onyx, confirming their father’s low opinion of their manliness.
The verdict: Guilty as charged! We would absolutely sell that turquoise Swiss army knife. And Frasier is exactly the kind of customer we would have in mind. A perfect unity of subjects in a ruthless twin skewering. Bravissimo! A+
Daddy’s Boy: A Son’s Shocking Account of Life With a Famous Father
Book by Chris Elliott and Bob Elliott (1989)
The joke: Chris Elliott came to prominence with deranged characters on Late Night with David Letterman, where we also made a couple of appearances. He then wrote this faux-Mommie Dearest celebrity exposé with (and ostensibly about) his father, comedic legend Bob Elliott. He paints the elder Elliott as a vainglorious egomaniac and domineering domestic tyrant, “a legend who cast a long, black shadow”.
At one point father and son embark on a cruise together, and among Bob’s luggage packed by his “Tahitian manservant” are such essentials as “Ouija boards, fondue sets, hundreds of boxes of paper clips, and a two-man submarine from Hammacher Schlemmer, complete with forty-amp thrusters and an air-supply system capable of maintaining up to one hundred cubic feet of oxygen.” Laugh if you will, but later the submarine saves their lives: they’d booked this getaway aboard the Andrea Doria.
The verdict: Elliott the younger knows what he’s doing including those specs, lifted verbatim from our catalogue. They make us believe the picture of his father as the kind of extravagant eccentric who would pay millions for our two-man submarine. (If you know anyone like that, please send them our way.) A
Thus ends our survey, but we know there are more out there. If you’ve encountered any Hammacher-oriented japes or joshes in the media, comment below or email me. We may no longer take personal checks, but we can always take a joke.
Nice post, Jason. Talking about Chris Elliott made me remember his wonderful role in the legendary Schitt's Creek. I feel like he basically played himself in that show?
I also placed an order in 2005, but however in the amount of US 1 million for the two-man submarine which was never fulfilled. I will take payment by personal check, and I also look forward to making good on the cheating. I also am legitimate. I am not a Nigerian prince. I await your kind response also.